About
Alisha
About Alisha
My Parenting Journey
Cheaper by the Dozen by Frank B. Gilbreth, Jr. and Ernestine Gilbreth Carey was one of my favorite books growing up. It tells the story of the Gilbreths and their 12 children. What I loved about that family was how logical and organized they were because my family of origin felt so chaotic and unpredictable. We "only" had 4 girls in the family - three right in a row and then a gap before the youngest. I often felt left out by my older and younger sisters and in the Gilbreth family it seemed that no one was ever left out. If two of the siblings were playing and didn't want a third, then there were still 9 other siblings to play with! So, when I was young, I wanted to have 12-14 children in a logical, organized, full of laughter family.
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In my late teens, I began to understand that the differences between my family of origin and other families that I knew were not so much about the number of children, but about how the parents were in relationship with their children. Like all parents, mine did the best they could with the resources and capabilities they had. Yet, I was always longing for something very different although I could not name it at the time. During these years, my desire for a dozen children was replaced with the certainty that I should not have children at all.
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A few years after we were married, my husband and I decided that we wanted to have a child. Becoming a father was an essential part of his identity. I was terrified, feeling that I had no clue how to be a "good mom" despite years of baby-sitting and caring for others' children. I knew what I did not want to do, but I did not know what to do.
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It took two years, but finally we became parents! What a joy! What a responsibility!
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Four years after our first child was born, our third child was born and our family was complete. During this time of pregnancies and infants, circumstances developed and I gave up my career to stay home with the children. Being a stay-at-home mom and the primary care-giver was never part of my plan and it was challenging in so many ways.
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During these years, as our first-born grew into a toddler and the siblings relationships were beginning, I realized that I needed something to guide my parenting decisions. I did some vision work to establish my dream: What did I want my family to be like when the children were adults? Eventually my heart revealed two goals: 1) That the children would choose to involve their parents in their lives and 2) That the children would choose to be friends. I knew that one of the essential freedoms of young adulthood is to choose who you want to be in your life. As a dependent child and teenager, you may not have that choice fully, but once you have moved into your own place, it's your opportunity and responsibility to choose your friends and loved ones. I wanted our children to choose me and to choose their dad to be in their circle of intimate friends. I also was well aware from my own family-of-origin, that becoming an adult meant that you have the opportunity and responsibility to decide what relationship, if any, you wanted with your siblings. I wanted my children to choose each other to be in their circles of intimate friends.
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Out of respect for my children's privacy, I will not share identifying information about them and they will always have veto power over what I publish about our lives together. I do have their permission to share that my dream has come true.
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Each of our children chooses to include their dad and me in their busy, wonderful lives and they choose to be close friends with each other. Learning how to be the best parent that I can be for what my children need now is an on-going journey of communication, reflection, and growth. Learning how to be a good co-parent after a divorce is also a journey.
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Now that my children are adults, their needs are less frequent and less intense, which begins a new phase of my own life, where "mother" and "wife" are not my primary roles. Now is the time in which my vision work is focused on my own dreams and determining who and how I want to be in the world, including who I am as a parenting coach.
My Educational Journey
Growing up, school was my refuge. It was where I fit well into the formal rules and I loved learning. Over the years, so many different teachers inspired me to see new possibilities for my life. I often didn't understand my classmates and they often did not understand me so the social aspect of K-12 in particular was difficult. Still, I looked forward to school on most days.
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I lived in Augusta, GA when I was in 2nd through 12th grade and went to public schools that were very good for our county, okay for our state, but not inspiring on a national level. In 8th - 12th grades, I was involved in many different activities, including Drama Club, Yearbook, Student Government, and Math Team. My interest in math and in a stable, well-paying career led to my decision to major in Engineering. Lacking guidance from my parents and teachers, I only applied to two colleges and felt so lucky to be admitted.
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I attended the Georgia Institute of Technology in Atlanta, GA on a full scholarship which gave me both freedom and a sense of obligation. Again, I was involved in several different activities as an undergraduate, including Drama Tech, Residence Hall Staff, and developing the scholarship program. I majored in Industrial and Systems Engineering and heard the call to become a faculty member who focused on teaching Operations Research and mentoring students. I was very curious about the teaching / learning process, in myself and others. When I asked my favorite faculty what I needed to do to be qualified to teach engineering to college students, they said "Go get a Ph.D." So I did.
I earned my Ph.D. in Operations Research at Cornell University. These four years were extremely challenging as I had no insider knowledge about the process of earning a Ph.D., doing research, or navigating the system. My choice to minor in Math and Science Education was ridiculed by some of my faculty. It was only after I had fallen in love with my future husband that I began to understand the system well enough to realize that Cornell was not the best match for my goals and interests. By then, I was too committed to the relationship to leave and start over at a different university. After the first 2 years, the other two women who had entered in my cohort had left and 8 of the original 9 men had stayed. Those last two years were very difficult as the rampant sexism was also very subtle, was often expressed through sarcasm, and was denied by the administration, faculty, and male students. Despite the difficulties, I persisted, earned my degree, and entered academia as a faculty member.
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Over the first five years of my career (tenure-track initially and later part-time), I continued to develop my interest in researching diversity in engineering education. As a woman, I had serious concerns with the ways in which men were researching diversity, including their "objective, statistics-focused" research methodologies, their meaning making, and their truth claims. Many of these truth claims were in opposition to my lived experience as an engineering student. I knew that others did other kinds of research in education, psychology, gender studies, etc. I longed to increase my knowledge and expand my research skills.
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From 2001 through 2005, I pursued a second Ph.D., this time at Georgia State University and the University of Georgia. I took 63 hours of doctoral level courses in research methodology, program evaluation, women's studies, and post-structuralism. As I finished my coursework and began planning my dissertation research, my circumstances shifted greatly. Several of my committee members left the department and my advisor suddenly decided that she was not interested in supporting my work in engineering education. At the same time, a major shift happened in my family. I asked myself what was the best choice for the whole family, then I dropped out of the program.
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Over the next 20 years, I continued to work part-time in engineering education when opportunities became available. I also started studying trauma, seeking information for my own healing. My learning and healing progressed rapidly, in part due to a wonderful mentoring relationship with the Rev. Dr. Shannon Michael Pater. At the end of 2019, I retired from engineering education and started listening for a new calling. I eventually discerned the call to become a parenting coach and began formally training. In May, 2023, I earned my official certification from the Jai Institute for Parenting. I continue to learn and hone my skills through reading, taking courses, and an amazing peer group called The Blessing of Unicorns.
My Personal Values
Successfully working with a coach requires a good fit between the coach and the client. I share my personal values with you so that you can more easily decide if we might be a good fit.
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My core values are authenticity, generosity, and curiosity.
For me, the word authenticity evokes phrases like “you always know where she stands”, “she wears her heart on her sleeve”, “if you’ve met her, you know her”, and “she’s transparent.” My vision is to be who I am in this moment, without apology or aggression. (hat tip to SMP)
Authenticity implies a level of vulnerability. When I really let people see me, I become at least a little vulnerable to them. Even though I am well-grounded in my deepest truths, most people (including me) are walking through life with at least a few barely-scabbed wounds. I can never predict when, how, or why my authenticity may scrape against their wounds. Wounded animals and people usually strike out when they are in pain. Therefore, I am vulnerable to the defensive, self-protective behaviors of others. More authenticity implies more vulnerability.
When I stand in my authenticity, I am called into more integrity, meaning that my behavior is congruent with my values. I value courage; therefore, I can not be a passive bystander. I value honesty; therefore, I need to speak truth as I understand it. I value learning from mis-steps; therefore, I must be reflective. This list of consequent values goes on.
Generosity is a core value that I learned from my mom. I endeavor to hold on loosely to my possessions, my time, and my talents, so that when an unanticipated need of another person arises, I can shift my plans to meet their need. For me, being generous with all that I am and all that I have requires a constant awareness of my in-this-moment capacity. As the airlines say, “Put your own oxygen mask on first and then help others.”
For me, being generous does not mean giving up myself or “putting others first.” It does not come from a place of shame, guilt, or “shoulds and oughts”. It is not sacrifice for the sake of virtue. My generosity must not invoke strong or consistent emotions of resentment, frustration, or overwhelm; otherwise, it is not sustainable.
To be both authentic and generous, I have to know what my bandwidth is in this moment and have a good estimate of how it may change in the near future. Therefore, my self-care must come first so that my generosity can flow gracefully. My authenticity and generosity are woven together.
My third core value is curiosity. By keeping curiosity abundant, I can learn and grow wiser. Seeking to understand from different perspectives helps reveal my blind spots – the ideas, experiences, and understandings that are hidden by the expectations, assumptions, and patterns of my life thus far. For me, curiosity is dynamic, flexible, and infused into all aspects of my life. It is more a way of being than a tool. Among other things, I am curious about how things and systems work, about people and their experiences of life, about how competing needs are negotiated, about what motivates people, and about how we can construct the society that our hearts long for. This deep cherishing of curiosity implies that I hold all my understandings as tentative, knowing that I could understand more deeply, more broadly, and more richly if I commit to listening carefully, thinking precisely, and rewiring my brain.
Authenticity, generosity, and curiosity provide the foundation for the rest of my values and are intertwined throughout my values system.
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My Social Location
"Categories are necessary but dangerous" is one of my favorite sayings. Categories - ways of classifying people - are needed to handle the constant influx of information through our senses. However, any time we assign someone to a category, we lose so much information. So I use categories carefully, consciously, and thoughtfully.
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In addition to knowing my personal values, knowing my categories - my social location - will help you decide if I am the right coach for you. I share my social location with you so that we can find places of commonality, curiosity, and connection. Instead of giving a simple list, I share more context around my identity as part of living out my authenticity.
I am a White-bodied, cis-gender female. As a woman who studied and taught engineering while doing her research on diversity in engineering education, I am very aware of the consequences of being female. I appreciate both my feminine and masculine energies. Although I spent many of my decades as a progressive Christian, I now identify as a non-theist whose primary model of ultimate humanity is Jesus of Nazareth. While growing up, my family of origin struggled to pay the bills; but my adult life has been one of economic abundance. The intersectionality of my locations has given me a both/and lived experience - both as an oppressed person and as an oppressor. I continue to learn and reflect on my immutable positions and my positions of choice.
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I value all people and I'm happy to meet you where you are, independent of which categories and experiences we may share or not share. My goals are to support you in making the changes that you want to make in order to achieve the goals that you set for yourself.